And There I’d Keep Him Very Well

daphne on November 4, 2009

The “there” of which I speak is this inconceivably large pumpkin shell.  Care to guess whom I would like to stuff inside?

pumpkin shell

You might be thinking Dave, particularly if you have read the lyrical ode to my over- ambitious pumpkin-seed loving husband.  Perhaps putting him in a pumpkin shell is the consummate solution to a spouse mad out of his gourd.   I do like the way you think,  but it was actually this little guy I had in mind–

miles

This pint-sized delicious nephew of mine is coming to visit, and I know if given the chance I could keep him very well inside a giant pumpkin shell. But his mama is relatively new at all this baby stuff;  I bet when they arrive later this week she’ll insist on napping him somewhere clean and non-vegetative, like a pack+play.  New parents can be so unimaginative.

No sweat.  I already found a new occupant for the remains of the pumpkin shell abode.  You remember this guy?  We’ve renamed him ‘El Gordito’ after his recent pumpkin binge.

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He is thrilled with his edible bed.  Especially after I generously moved it out of the snow.  He was none too happy with the blizzard last week that left his stomping grounds looking like this —

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Before I moved his meal, El Gordito performed an interpretative cold paw dance on the snow that expressed his deepest desire (warm feet.) I should have caught it on film, but I have my reputation to consider. I don’t want people thinking that I’m spending too much time alone.  Alone, with squirrels, I mean.

Some would have me focus on the more human yet also cute inhabitants of this household.

Fine. For the record, cute humans that also reside here–

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Pictured: Sister Hermione, Sister Black Cat, and Mama Cowgirl.  Not pictured: Papa, sigh, Cowboy.  You’ll have to take my word for it.  Crazy-pumpkin-seed boy makes a mighty fine cowboy.  Yes-sir-ree-bob, he does.

Any-hoo, back to El Gordito.  I think I heard that you can actually bake things right inside a pumpkin shell.  Boy oh boy this year’s Thanksgiving dinner is practically preparing itself.

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Mmmm, Pumpkin roasted squirrel. Gotcha, Gordito! (That’s where I slam the whole squirrel-gourd combo into a big casserole and pop ‘er into the old oven.)

No, not really.  Here’s what I did do with the giant pumpkin shell.  In my quest for the title of  Auntie-of-the-Year, I pureed that 287 pound beauty.  I roasted. I diced.  I pureed and I pureed and I pureed.

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So here’s the deal baby Miles:  You can sleep wherever your newbie parents want you to sleep.  Just be sure to be hungry.  Be very very hungry.

Because, my dear boy, you have 875 pounds of pumpkin to eat.

Quoth the Husband, Nevermore

daphne on October 29, 2009

Thank you, Edgar Allen Poe, for graciously lending me the format and rhyme of your beloved The Raven to summarize the following scene of suburban pumpkin mayhem.

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Once upon a weeknight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,

Over a large and snowy cluster of shriveled gourds;

I determined I’d be napping, when from the kitchen I heard tapping

‘Twas my husband, strangely, tap-tap-tapping.

With a knife, he was apparently not down with napping.

He had the pumpkins on the floor.

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Ah, distinctly I remember, saying No, let’s not dismember,

The pumpkins though true, the flesh puckers in with mush.

Gently I urged the task forgotten, put off a day; I was down-trodden

And there was laundry to be gotten, yet the knife began to slash.

The madman muttered softly, and with his knife began to slash

And I? I intercepted flesh aimed for the trash.

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Inevitably the task grew longer, his resolve did not grow stronger;

`Wife,’ said he, `Help, for your assistance I implore;

The fact is I was trying, a plan to expedite the drying,

Perhaps they need a’fryin’?  And he grinned, amongst the seeds there on the floor.

I took in the grisly score, gourd flesh stuck to ceiling and to floor.

My eyes flashed darkness, nothing more.

Though I said that I was weary, the seeds were out and oh so smeary

Pumpkin guts piled high into the night

I shook my head, recipe reciting, rocking slightly to keep from fighting

Like an angel softly igniting, I opened up the oven door.

‘In they go,’ said I, pointing tired spouse towards oven door.

Quoth my husband, Nevermore

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And with one last sultry look, she bid farewell forever

daphne on October 23, 2009

Oh, it was good.

Things were heating up.

I mean they were really cooking.  It was something special; a romance that had the kitchen hazy with steam.  My bosom heaved.  My hair fell in soft tendrils around my flushed face.

It was working.  It was hot.

Then, it was not.

At least I know I tried.  I gave it my all and it could have been a beautiful thing. It was a beautiful thing.  But now it’s an over thing.  And I’m washing my hands of the whole gloppy mess and moving on.  After all, the chemistry is gone, and you simply can’t make something work if there isn’t any chemistry.

You just have to know when it’s time to say goodbye.  Time to hitch your dreams to another day, turn to a better man.

You know, like a man who knows which way his chaps go. A man with a tractor.

Oops, sorry.  I digress.  Thing with chemistry is, without it homemade cheese is nothing more than lukewarm milk with stinky clumps of curds and whey.

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Ewww.  Curds.

Once upon a time I turned milk into mozzarella with a flirty twist of my wrist and Ricki’s homemade cheese kit. It was easy. It was delicious.  But I was living in a dream world, a world in which cowboys with burnished arms pull me down in the hay, and milk willingly transforms into cheese.

Back here in this world all I get is a gloppy mound of curds and whey the likes of which would have Little Miss Muffet gladly vacating her tuffet for any old spider that happened by.

Ahh, cheese. The kit was simple. The directions straightforward.  So when my (not ultra-pasteurized) milk decided that it no longer wanted to change into cheese I didn’t give up without a fight.  I consulted the cheese hot line.  I added extra citric acid.  I checked temperatures.

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But hot or not the chemistry was gone. And without chemistry hot milk is just that.

Hot, clumpy, stinky milk.

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Squelch.  Squish.  Ick.

And you thought the spider was the scary part of that nursery rhyme?

Ode to Tractors

daphne on October 17, 2009

Aren’t tractors cool?

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I mean cool, cool.  Not as reusable bag cool or hybrid car cool, but just good old fashion cowboy cool.

Even without the husky cowboy, I mean.

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Now I know what you’re thinking.  You’re wondering what I am doing talking about rugged old tractors when my forte is clearly feeding children healthy foods and raising awareness about treading softly on Mother Earth.  Well, back off.  Stop painting me in such a small corner.  I am so totally versatile.

And I happen to like tractors.

So do my children.  See?

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Not only is Kira giddy with her cornstalk, but Acadia is clearly enjoying the tractor, eating kettle corn, and entertaining thoughts about broccoli.  You can’t hear them, but trust me when I tell you that they are also in the midst of a discussion about re-engineering that tractor to run on popcorn.  See?  Tractors:  Fun for the family and good for the earth.

And we do have tractors to thank for the 497 pounds of potatoes that we are in the process of eating our way through, day in, day out.  Potatoes.  All thanks to this guy.

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That’s the Flipping-potatoes-out-of-the-earth tractor.  Otherwise known as, well, as something else probably.  Anyways, thanks to Flip my girls have been enjoying homemade french fries every single night.

So yeah, tractors are cool.  So is Tori.  She’s the reader that  successfully identified my trick picture as a chicken, and submitted what she claims is a more accurate depiction of a cow.  You be the judge.

Cow?

tori cow pic

Or not cow?

Very good class. It is a cow.  I like cows.  And I like tractors.  That’s just the way I roll.

I am especially fond of my own tractor.  Which we loaded down with multitudes of gourds, a twelve foot stalk of corn, and 758 pounds of pumpkin.

Hi Ho Silver.

Away.

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Cabin Fevers

daphne on October 12, 2009

Ahhh, Monday.  Delightful wonderful peaceful Monday morning. Two children, up and out of the house before 7:30.  And my sentence has been lifted.

I’ve been under lock-down.  House arrest. For eight eternally long days.  No, you’re right. I shouldn’t exaggerate.  Why just the other day I was allowed out to bolster our stock of Children’s Tylenol and decongestants.

I wouldn’t dream of complaining.  Nope. Not me.  After all it’s just the flu.  The feverish, coughing, whining, icky flu.  In the scheme of things, it wasn’t all that bad.  At the very least it is over.  And just when a shimmer of bright lining hovered within reach, when sanity seemed possibly to be lurking around the next bend; just when it seemed safe to let the children venture out of each other’s company and into the world at large, this happened–

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You can’t hear it, but that’s the sound of Mother Nature laughing as she dumped snow all over my plans to air out the children.  By which I mean dangling them by their germy little ankles in the branches of our glorious autumnal trees where a gentle clarifying breeze might blow on through.   Breathtaking, right?  As in, they will be so busy gulping in lung-fulls of fresh air that they will have no voice to complain that so-and-so spit on me when she brushed her teeth and SHE TOUCHED ME and ahhhhhhh, I’m so over house arrest.

Breathe in. Breathe out.  I can do this.  If Mother Nature throws me freezing temps and whiny children, I just have to reach a bit deeper into the old parenting tool box.

And so we made a cozy fire.

And drank hot cocoa with little marshmallows.

And I let them make their own baguettes.

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Before you toss too much credit my way, I should confess that this bread is not only delightfully tasty and good at distracting unruly children, but it’s also unbelievably simple to make.  It’s a one-bowl, no kneading kid-pleasing kind of recipe.  I got it from my Artisan Bread in Five Minutes a Day cook book.  Don’t be alarmed; I’ve come a long way since my initial attempts based on a hastily transcribed recipe from my mother resulted in that Not-So-Consumable Crusty Shards of Glass Bread.

Here is the basic recipe.

And just 20 minutes later, we had our warm, aromatic results.

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I also had two smiling children, mouths so full of homemade bread that their ability to bicker was drastically reduced.

And like the softly whirling, sparkling twinkle of the fresh falling snow, peace, sweet, silent peace, at last descended upon our home.

Crusty homemade bread

daphne on October 11, 2009

Ingredients

  • 3 cups of lukewarm water
  • 1 ½ Tablespoons yeast (less at altitude.  I use 1 1/4) T)
  • 1 ½ teaspoons salt
  • 6 ½ cups of all purpose flour

Directions

This makes enough for about 4 loaves. The dough can be refrigerated and used as you go, so you can have fresh bread for dinner anytime.

  1. In a large bowl of very large tupperwear add the water, yeast and salt.
  2. Mix in the flour, using a wooden spoon until the dough just comes together and is uniformly damp without dry patches.
  3. Cover loosely and allow to rise for 2 hours.

Baking Time—

  1. Dip your hands in flour, and generously dust your work surface with flour.
  2. Pull off a chunk of dough—about a softball size makes 2 medium sized baguettes, or a nice round loaf.
  3. Manipulate the dough into the shape you want, incorporate enough of the flour so the dough is not sticky.
  4. Put it on a baking sheet, dusted with corn meal or another granular flour.  Let it rise another 20 minutes.
  5. Preheat oven to 450 , with an empty broiler tray on the lowest oven rack. ***NEVER USE A GLASS CASSEROLE INSTEAD OF A METAL BOILER TRAY.  YOU WILL END UP WITH THIS NOT-SO-TASTY RECIPE INSTEAD!
  6. Put the bread in the oven, and pour one cup of water into the boiler tray.  Let bake for about 20 minutes—less for thin baguettes, more for thick round loaves.

Oven Baked French Fries

daphne on October 6, 2009

These go fast, so make much much more than you imagine your children could ever eat.

We’ve made these with every kind of potato–purple, fingerling, russet, new, red, you name it.  Each type has a slightly different baking time though, so you might want to bake them separately if you’re doing different types together.

Ingredients:

  • Potatoes
  • Peanut Oil (substitute canola if allergies are an issue)
  • Salt

To do:

  • Preheat oven to 400
  • Slice potatoes into fry-like shapes and put into a large bowl
  • Coat with oil and toss to make sure all the potatoes are covered
  • Put on baking sheet in a single row, sprinkle with salt.

Bake at 400 for 20 minutes, or until crispy and just brown. Check after 15 minutes, particularly if your fries are sliced thin.

Pizza and French Fries at Casa Your Place

daphne on October 6, 2009

You know what you should do for dinner tonight?  Pizza!  As in, you should make a pizza.  I know, I know, juniors got a soccer game and juniorette has gymnastics and the coupon in the junk drawer is calling out to you in that lovely sirens’ song:  Come on, call the pizza place. Order in, again.

As your friend I’m telling you, don’t do it.

Trust me. In the time it takes you to rummage through that drawer for a coupon that we both know has expired you could have made your very own gourmet pizza.

Really, you can do it.  You need a little convincing?  No problem.  Let’s start out with some visualizing.  Close your eyes (nope, that’s no good. Open your eyes and keep reading.)  Good.  Now, let’s count to three.  In English. Or Spanish.  Or Japanese.  Heck use your fingers, whatever it takes to get you to say this:  I CAN make a tasty healthy pizza in this dinky old kitchen of mine.  YES I CAN.

Here’s the thing.  Making your own pizza means not only do you get to eat pizza, which is yummy, but you also get bragging rights, as you should creating something so pretty and tasty and healthy and homemade and all.   And lest we forget, coupon or no, it’s cheaper to make it at home.

Excellent.  Glad to have you on board.  So you can make your own pizza.  Dough and all.  And it is QUICK AND EASY CHEESY and the kids will eat it and you will be elected king or queen of all you survey.  Good–now click over here, grab the recipe, and start those ovens.

Wait a minute.  Welcome to America.  What good is pizza without french fries?

fries

Let them eat fries, I always say.  Homemade fries, that is.  You may still not believe me about the easy pizza, but trust me, it really doesn’t get any simpler than this.   And with the mounds and mounds of potatoes we got this year, my kids have packed up and moved to french fry town.  Where, it just so happens, I was crowned Queen.

Next up: Homemade twinkies! They’re easy, low-fat, and packed with antioxidants. Oh, and they’ll also do your laundry and make the beds and complement you on how thin you look in those super cool new jeans.

No, not really.

Homemade Easy Cheesy Pizza

daphne on October 6, 2009

Homemade Pizza Dough — The dough takes about 15 – 20 minutes to put together, then sits for an hour or two or whatever works with your life.

Ingredients for dough

  • 1 teaspoon sugar
  • 1 1/2 cups warm water (110 degrees F/45 degrees C)
  • 1 tablespoon active dry yeast
  • 1 tablespoon olive oil
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 2 cups whole wheat flour
  • 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

DIRECTIONS for dough

  1. In a large bowl, dissolve sugar in warm water. Sprinkle yeast over the top, and let stand for about 10 minutes, until foamy.
  2. Stir the olive oil and salt into the yeast mixture, then mix in the whole wheat flour and 1 cup of the all-purpose flour until dough starts to come together. Tip dough out onto a surface floured with the remaining all-purpose flour, and knead until all of the flour has been absorbed, and the ball of dough becomes smooth, about 5 minutes. Place dough in bowl, and cover loosely with a towel. Let stand at room temperature until doubled in size, about 1 hour.
  3. When the dough is doubled, tip the dough out onto a lightly floured surface, and divide into 2 pieces for 2 thin crust, or leave whole to make one thick crust. Form into a tight ball. Let rise for about 45 minutes, until doubled.
  4. Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F. Roll a ball of dough with a rolling pin until it will not stretch any further. When the circle has reached the desired size, place on a cookie sheet dusted with corn meal or flour or well greased.  Or use a flour-dusted pizza stone.
  5. Pre-bake crust at 425 for 8-10 min or so, then baked with toppings at 425 for about 7 min.

TOPPINGS

After pre-baking the crust, add sauce and toppings and return to the 425 oven just long enough to heat the toppings and melt the cheese, or about 8 minutes.

Anything works on top of pizza! Shredded mozzarella and jarred sauce, fresh goat cheese and homemade sauce.  Whatever floats your boat.

My kids love peanuts on theirs (gross, I know, but to each her own, right?)

My favorites are balsamic glazed onions, thinly sliced tomatoes, spinach and fresh mozzarella.  I use all the ingredients raw except the onions–here’s how I cook the onions.

Carmelized Onions with Balsamic

daphne on October 6, 2009

I put these onions into just about everything we eat.  I love love love them!  Next time I’m taking pictures to add here, I promise.

  • Slice an onion thin, then cut slices into thirds or so (about 4-5 inches long.)
  • If desired, add garlic to taste. I do a couple of cloves, or a heaping Tablespoon of crushed garlic.
  • Saute onions and garlic in heated olive oil (about 1-2 Tablespoons) until they begin to wilt.
  • When the pan gets dry, splash in about 1-2 Tablespoons of balsamic vinegar. Stir to coat all the onions, and continue to cook until they are soft and golden in color.

These are great as a pizza topping, in pasta, as a lasagna layer, or on top of your kids’ cheerios. Ok, maybe not on the cereal.