And with one last sultry look, she bid farewell forever

Oh, it was good.

Things were heating up.

I mean they were really cooking.  It was something special; a romance that had the kitchen hazy with steam.  My bosom heaved.  My hair fell in soft tendrils around my flushed face.

It was working.  It was hot.

Then, it was not.

At least I know I tried.  I gave it my all and it could have been a beautiful thing. It was a beautiful thing.  But now it’s an over thing.  And I’m washing my hands of the whole gloppy mess and moving on.  After all, the chemistry is gone, and you simply can’t make something work if there isn’t any chemistry.

You just have to know when it’s time to say goodbye.  Time to hitch your dreams to another day, turn to a better man.

You know, like a man who knows which way his chaps go. A man with a tractor.

Oops, sorry.  I digress.  Thing with chemistry is, without it homemade cheese is nothing more than lukewarm milk with stinky clumps of curds and whey.


Ewww.  Curds.

Once upon a time I turned milk into mozzarella with a flirty twist of my wrist and Ricki’s homemade cheese kit. It was easy. It was delicious.  But I was living in a dream world, a world in which cowboys with burnished arms pull me down in the hay, and milk willingly transforms into cheese.

Back here in this world all I get is a gloppy mound of curds and whey the likes of which would have Little Miss Muffet gladly vacating her tuffet for any old spider that happened by.

Ahh, cheese. The kit was simple. The directions straightforward.  So when my (not ultra-pasteurized) milk decided that it no longer wanted to change into cheese I didn’t give up without a fight.  I consulted the cheese hot line.  I added extra citric acid.  I checked temperatures.


But hot or not the chemistry was gone. And without chemistry hot milk is just that.

Hot, clumpy, stinky milk.


Squelch.  Squish.  Ick.

And you thought the spider was the scary part of that nursery rhyme?

12 Replies to “And with one last sultry look, she bid farewell forever”

  1. Oh, I am so sad! I have wanted to try this. Maybe a trip to the cheese importer in Longmont will cure my cheese cravings.

  2. I loved the last line! I DID think the spider was the scary part of the story…until I read about your curds and whey!

  3. The only advice that I could possibly give you about this is to go to the grocery store and buy cheese. . . .Or, just skip the chees counter and the grocery store and head over to Cheesecake Factory. 🙂

  4. We did this same kit, and it made a mess, but worked great. One overpriced, small amount of mozzarella cheese! It was yummy though.

  5. funny, I think Ricotta is easy to make try that next : )

  6. I hear you – that was one scary (and disappointing) story! The suggestion for going to Cheese importers is a good one. Want to go the next time we get the urge for cheese?

  7. I wanted to try this too. Barbara Kingsolver made it sound so easy in Animal, Vegetable, Miracle- maybe I’ll join you on the field trip to the cheese importer in Longmont instead!

  8. Oh my goodness. Good for you for at least trying! LOL!

  9. That didn’t look too bad. I think Mom used the microwave to goose it a little after ther curds had their way. When it is put in the muslin doesn’t it fall in line? Perhaps you made cottage cheese instead of mozzarella? Dad

  10. What happened? You made some of the best cheese I ever had when we visited. I am sure you will make make-up cheese soon..

  11. At leat you gave it a try. I can only dream of doing the task of making a fine cheese. I like to eat cheese but I will never make it.

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