I Don’t Even Like Whiskey
Not that there’s anything wrong with the stuff. In fact, a brief perusal of the internet uncovered signs that whiskey is loaded with antioxidants. I just don’t enjoy fire cascading down my throat, so trust me when I say that whiskey and I ended our affair before it ever began.
I tell you this in the interest of setting the record straight. Seems I’ve gone and acquired a bit of reputation.
And for that I blame my kids. Oh those munchkins and the things they say golly gee if it doesn’t make me want to roll them in oats and shove them in the fridge for a day or four.
You know, to temporarily cool their chattering jets.
I’ve heard that kids say the darndest thing. I just didn’t know that she’d say them to her teacher and a room full of 9 year old punks.
Seems the third grade is all a twitter about mountain men (I take it they are something like cowboys, only less sexy.) The teacher told her class tales of the wild old days.
My darling explained,
‘The mountain men drank lots of whiskey and they gambled. Sometimes they even lost their wives in card games.’
‘That’s why I thought of you, Mom.’
Fair enough. My name has long been synonymous with liquor-swilling and Texas Holdem.
She continued,
‘We were talking about whiskey so I told that story, you know, your story. The one with you, in the mountains, with the whiskey.’
My story? I have a whiskey story? My apologies to the dead horse, but really, I don’t even like the stuff.
And my darling child continued some more,
‘My teacher called on me, so I told the class about that time you drank too much whiskey and then went to lie down and sleep in the street.’
Of course. Right. What self-respecting mother doesn’t regale her kids with her sleep-off-the-bender-in-the-road story as she tucks them in at night?
By the way, I thought I’d finally include a picture of my no good, rootin’-tootin’ road-sleeping, saloon-frequenting self. You know, to go with my new reputation.
12 Replies to “I Don’t Even Like Whiskey”
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LOL!!! now i have heard some stories about you…..but not that one. i recall a certain denver story 🙂
Note to the non-mountain people out there: Altitude significantly increases the impact alcohol has… more than you would expect. When we arrived at the cabin at night we missed the sign which let us know we were above 10,000 feet.
2 drinks later Daphne was on the ground… from what I hear. I was passed out in one of the bunk-beds, so I cannot confirm the accuracy of this story. It could just be the whiskey talking. Yee-haw
This was hysterical!!
That is absolutely fantastic! I have a funny feeling that I’ll be sharing a similar story with you in the future, probably because Mark has taught the girls the word “boozer”.
That made me laugh out loud. Kids are so funny.
Me too! I laughed out loud–I’m with Doren and with Anastasia, even if I don’t know her. And to Cyndi, what’s the Denver story? And to Dave, if you try to explain–you add to its veracity.
I never heard that one, but then again moms are often the last to know..Join AA:whiskey division ASAP before it gets worse.
Remember back in the day when we wondered when she would talk, well be careful what you wish for hahahahah
oh goodness….. too funny!
awesomely hilarious. I think it was jager.
Melissa regaled the playground after school one day this week with stories of my bathroom habits. I’ll take whiskey drinking over pooping habits any day! (gives you a certain mystique – plus it confirms you’re easy!)
Unbelievably funny! I love the stories my students share but usually when they tell me their boozer parent stories they are probably true. I guess I should take this as a lesson to possibly believe less!