Put That Thing Away
I’ve got girls, so it’s not too surprising that I’d be confounded by the abject masculinity surrounding me these days. Still, I figured that having five nephews kind of qualified me to manage males.
The message I’m getting from the universe: think otherwise.
Take, for example, my rhubarb. Up until recently it was such a well behaved plant. And then he pulled his thing out, right there in the middle of my family-friendly garden.
I told him to put it away. He upped the ant, and went all Rhubarb-Gone-Wild on me —
And the phallus phenomena is spreading. All I wanted to do was prepare some locally raised organic chicken for dinner. I’m no prude, yet something about this boasting roaster gave me pause. I can only imagine how he ruled the coop.
I hoped my nephews would help me out. Surely my own little panel of experts had some insight into males running amok in the natural world.
It’s not pretty, but I will share what I learned. My source is one of the following fellows:
To protect the innocent I won’t divulge if it was this guy:
Or this guy–
Or this guy —
Or this guy–
Or this one —
But I well tell you that the tidbit said nephew shared did shed some light on the wild bachelors and their love of living it up in the great outdoors:
Nephew: Oh no Aunt Daphne. You don’t have to use the bathroom. Do you know why?
Me (kind of hopping up and down): Why?
Nephew: At my house we get to pee outside. In the backyard.
Me: Um…
Nephew: That’s why my house is lots more fun. Because boys really like to pee outside. Want to go outside now?
Me: Um…
I don’t have much to say about boys and their aversion to indoor plumbing, but I do know what I’m going to do about that rambunctious rhubarb.
And it has everything to do with raspberry crisp.