The call centered around Michelle Obama’s campaign to end childhood obesity and the possible role that the FDA might play, particularly with regard to school lunches.  If you don’t have kids in public school you may not know that current lunches are almost as nutritious as chocolate coated bike tires.

We’re gearing up for a change.  But it’s going to cost money.  And it’s going to ruffle feathers.

I know this because our district got a jump start on this by hiring Renegade Lunch Lady Ann Cooper to remake the face of lunch in Boulder County Schools.  She is clearing out the high fructose corn syrup and the chemically constructed chicken nuggets.  She is offering fresh fruits and vegetables and locally sourced hormone-free milk.

Inconceivably, it’s got some folks really upset. Grown-up folks.

It’s mind boggling to me, because surely they love their kids.  And I know that they want what’s best.  And yet they are stomping their feet because someone took away their chocolate milk?

We want our kids to be healthy. To grow strong. To have every opportunity to learn.  So why are we sitting back and watching as their brain cells are taxed with highly processed foods? How can we challenge teachers to feed their minds when we’re not doing our best to nourish their bodies?

Why are we okay with this?  Other countries aren’t.  Other countries have stepped up and said no to things like hormones and antibiotics in their food.  They aren’t thinking about chocolate milk.  They are planning for the future.

It’s high time we take some steps towards ours.

I’m glad the schools are putting the brakes on shoveling bad stuff into our kids.  Now we need to start figuring out our food.  What’s in that snack we throw into their backpacks each morning?  We need to know, because then we can help our kids make smart choices.

We’re the grown-ups here;  if we don’t sell it there’s no way the kids are buying.

You, my dear, haven’t thought enough about all those involved.

Did you ever stop to think that maybe the chard would rather not be consumed thank you very much?

Or that maybe the broccoli doesn’t particularly want to hang out on the business end of a fork?

You didn’t think, did you?

Well, neither did I.  After all, I thought my focus on eating healthy and providing my family with vitamin-rich foods was an unambiguously positive one.  Little did I know that notching my belt with one antioxidant-wielding super food after another was antagonizing some very powerful enemies.

Lesson learned.

Now I know better.

Veggies are people too.

I guess.

Before I became so enlightened, I callously tore cabbage from a list of ‘what we should eat.’  Thoughtlessly I sliced through the deep purple flesh, and though my hand began to tingle I continued the massacre, dicing and chopping until I had a bowl full of the beautiful bi-colored vegetable.

I added carrot slices, and admired the vividly contrasting hues.  I ignored the itching in my throat while I congratulated myself on discovering a super-veggie that the whole family enthusiastically consumed.

Yippee said I, and happily served up the leftovers to myself and my family the following night as well.

I shouldn’t have been so cavalier.

That cabbage kicked my butt, leaving me with a swollen eye worthy of a heavy weight boxing ring, a face full of hives and a nice pink-all-over kind of rash.  I was dizzy.  I was blotchy and swollen and itchy and boy oh boy was I longing for the days when a nice bowl of chocolate ice cream said dinnertime.

‘Take that,’ said the cabbage.   Man was he mean.

‘There, there,’ soothed the chocolate.

Chocolate is so nice.

Chocolate doesn’t make me look all puffy.

Chocolate is my friend.

This burden I shoulder

I must lighten up . . .

And yet I grow bolder

♦  ♦  ♦  ♦  ♦

Bolder because it makes me so mad

To think that the chicken for dinner we had

Packed a punch of hormones, a dabble of drugs

I’m a tree-lovin’ hippy; I just want more hugs

♦  ♦  ♦  ♦  ♦

More hugs for my children

And food that is healthy

I don’t like thinking of food

As sneaky and stealthy

♦  ♦  ♦  ♦  ♦

Though it is a necessary chore

I find listing prohibitions to be such a bore

Despite the recent blast o’ information

I’m taking myself on a splurge-vacation

♦  ♦  ♦  ♦  ♦

Oh the cakes I will bake

And the cookies I’ll eat

The latkes that shimmer

In oily heat

♦  ♦  ♦  ♦  ♦

I love sugar! I do! I most definitely do!

From the tips of my hair to the soles of my shoe!

♦  ♦  ♦  ♦  ♦

Yes, they say moderation is key

Sadly, that doesn’t quite cut it for me

For if even one crumb of a sweet does remain

It lures me; it taunts me; it calls me by name

♦  ♦  ♦  ♦  ♦

I am weak-kneed before the goddess temptation

She’s simply superior to that wimp moderation

And yet I suppose I should balance the two

Come 2010, I promise, that’s just what I’ll do

I know.  We look hot.  Sadly, other than an occasional 70s themed murder mystery party, my style, sweet though it may be, is grossly misunderstood.

I have a distinctive day-to-day look that’s been cultivated over the past 20 years (think: clueless 1980’s casual meets Eddie Bauer chic.) I’ll never understand how that TV show where they dole out fashion advice and five grand passed on the chance to re-design me.

I don’t get it.  Do these amber vision glasses make my roller skates look fat?

Never mind.  The public has spoken, and so I will put away my tapered-leg jeans and scruncies.  I’m content to stick to what I know: the damage being done by the stuff we’re putting into our bodies.  Someone else will have to manage the fashion police.

Speaking of experts, the food gurus have compiled a great list.  If we’ve got TV to thank for flagging the fashion potholes, then consider this list like airport runway through chemical-infested waters.

We need to get out of that water.  After all, I need to keep these hip babes healthy if I want any shot of passing on my style torch.

Most of the time we guzzle away, innocent and unaware of the hazardous chemicals we’re inviting into our bodies.  I was shocked to learn that even canned tomatoes, a mainstay for our family once our paltry summer supply runs dry, are chock full of some pretty scary stuff.

It’s overwhelming, I know, this ever-expanding world of What’s Killing Us Now.  But stick to it.  I can’t think of anything more worth-while.  To help out, here’s a list that we are following.  It’s like a cheat sheet of what to avoid and a brief explanation.  For more detailed information you should definitely read the full reasons behind the list.

1. Canned Tomatoes — the tin in the cans are loaded with synthetic estrogen
   
2. Corn-Fed Beef — Cows evolved to eat grass. When they don’t, they get sick.
   
3. Microwave Popcorn –  chemicals (linked to infertility and some cancers) in the bag leach into the popcorn
   
4. Non-organic Potatoes — you can’t wash them enough to get out the layers of pesticides and chemicals
   
5. Farmed Salmon– high in cancer-causing contaminants like brominated flame retardants. Mmm, who can pass on flame retardant?
6. Milk Produced with Artificial Hormones — this stuff is banned in most industrialized nations for its link to cancers.
   
7. Conventional Apples — winner of the “fruit most laden with chemicals” position.  High exposure to pesticides has been linked, most recently, to Parkinson’s disease.